Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Special Address to the People (from gh)

Ladies and gentlemen,

It is with great sadness that I am writing today, to inform you of a terrible crisis in the making, a crisis that will woefully affect the life of every man, woman and child that you know. This crisis is perhaps one of the single, most-important events of our modern era; it is, yes, more important than the collapse of our financial system and more alarming than the continuous assault on our family values. That we must both understand and overcome this crisis is a fact so obvious that it does not need to even be said, but because so many are sincerely unaware, I am saying it here today. My friends, we face perilous times from many fronts, but today we face a crisis on a front few would ever think to consider, from the warm waters of our Gulf of Mexico.

As I said, some will ask, quite innocently, what is the nature of this crisis? And for that reason, I will not hesitate to offer an explanation of our hellish challenges and to propose meaningful solutions for all of us, together, to rise above it all.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, killer whales are devouring the stock of tuna in the Gulf of Mexico.

Hundreds of these killer whales have begun to appear the waters of our pristine gulf, and their abundant presence here has stunned observers from the fisheries community. Now, to be sure, these marine animals are usual indigenous to coldwater environments, far removed from our own, but that is a fact that has escaped nearly five hundred of these big bodies. What’s more, those fools in our scientific community seem to be casually dismissive of whole occurrence, saying these big bodies have been in our waters for years, and referring to them as “gulf orcas”, yes, as if they belong. Well, whether their appearance is due to global climate change or to some other phenomenon, the fact is becoming clear, as these big bodies are encroaching upon our world and setting up the depths of this current crisis.

Because they are here, traversing the waters of our Gulf, these killer whales must continue to eat, and they have begun to feast upon our fish stocks, notably on our precious tuna. This is akin to an act of full-scale war. One hundred of big bodies pose a dangerous hazard; five hundred of these killers are an army against our small and defenseless tuna populations. Against these killers few of our poor friends, the tuna, stand a real chance. They will be decimated in no time. For this reason, this is a crisis of unparallel proportions.

Every single one of us—every single man, every single woman, and every single child—must be, at this critical juncture, very concerned. If allowed to go unchecked, the genocidal butchery of the tuna population will have significant consequences for us humans. Simple supply-and-demand here, my friends, envisages that such actions by the whales will harm our own fishing practices, which are, as you know, more humane and regulated. When we will be unable to fish the tuna for our own nutritional needs, when their supplies are made scarce, the rising prices of tuna will imperil your household and my household. Gone will be the days of easy and quick tuna sandwiches. Gone will also be our favorite tuna rolls and sashimi at our favorite sushi bars. And gone, too, will be those seared and delicious tuna steaks resting leisurely atop a wilted bed of spinach. Indeed, with the price of these luxuries climbing to unreasonable levels, one cannot question what is happening here: we are being forced into war by these so-called gulf orcas.

Now none of us have asked for this war against these big bodies, these coldwater killers, and none of us want this war. But we cannot afford to ignore our responsibilities to our friends, the tuna, and ourselves. For what other foods offers us such as healthy an option as tuna, and who are more deserving than we are to partake in this flavorful food?

That is the definition of the greatest crisis of our times, my friends—and now here is my proposal for overcoming it.

In this age of audacious change, we are presented with another great opportunity. Ladies and gentlemen, we can come together now and unite in a bipartisan manner for our own good, as well as for the good of our friends, the tuna. What is needed to combat this crisis, to overcome the complex challenges that we face in the Gulf of Mexico, is a great stimulus effort, a bold stimulus that is, yes, numbered in the hundreds of billions.

Now some will say that this is wrong, that the cost of this stimulus will be too great, or that we face too many other debt-generating needs to even think of something so ambitious, but these people have forgotten how to dream and how to hope. More importantly, they have forgotten how to fight for what is ours.

Now I have a plan for how we will use this stimulus: its billions of dollars will be used to afford us the manpower, the legion of ships, and the harpooning equipment necessary to drive these killers out of the gulf. Of course, environmentalists are expected to cry foul, but they should be at ease. We will take every precaution to harm as few of these big bodies as possible. The goal is to drive away the majority; only the murderous marauders among them, those who choose to defy our efforts, will be confronted and, only if necessary, dealt with.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a difficult decision for us all, inasmuch as we are already confounded by other challenges. That said, I must implore that this is exactly the reason why we must act now. The stimulus provided in this three-part spending bill will allow us to strengthen struggling industries, by enabling businesses to employ hundreds for the building of new ships and harpooning equipment—yes, right here in America!—as well as opening employment opportunities of many more Americans in our new Department of the Water Safety & Fisheries Preservation. Yes, this will also help us to overcome even our economic crisis, because, as history has shown us, war does lift our great land from difficult economic times.

As I close, my friends, I urge you to join me in the bipartisan efforts to end this crisis, by contacting your Congressional representatives to support passage of the American Defensive Waters Stimulus Act of 2009. I also urge you to email and text your friends, and ask them to do the same, because, in order for us to be successful, we all must come together and meet this challenge head-on. These killer whales cannot be allowed to continue their dangerous rampage; they must be stopped, and with your help, my friends, for the sake of the tuna, and for our own sake, they will be.

[This is just a parody, guys. Please do not take it seriously. With everything occurring in our world, I just wanted to give you all a reason to giggle. I hope it was successful. --gh ]

13 comments:

efos said...

I've got a much cheaper idea. Put Paris Hilton, and a bunch of other A-listers (not my A-list by any means) in some nice gulf orca skirts and I can almost guarantee thier population will be decimated by the end of May. Or.....I wonder what a nice gulf orca steak would taste like. I'm sure it would take one hell of a plate to hold it! hehehe

efos said...

Or....how about we teach the tuna to band together and fight back!

mike carson said...

The Department of Water Safety & Fisheries Perservation???

Dude, this one is so funny. Pure Keynesian comedy. I love it!

Digger in LV said...

So I get in tonight and turn on my computer, and my RSS button is lit up with new posts on blogs and news sites. So I decide to check out your first, right? I started reading and I thought "What's is he talking about? Bigger than the financial crisis? What has Brainiac uncovered now? Oh man, not something else." I was kinda bother, but I kept on reading. And then I read "killer whales are devouring the stock of tuna"?

You gotta be F-- kidding me!

I don't know what's scary. That I found this shit kinda funny, or that you had time to think this up?

Just so you know, Gary, I will not be supporting this bill. Though you have made a hell of an argument, I think we spend too much money fighting other people's war already. I agree with the first comment: let's teach the tuna to fight back. ROFLMAO. Tuna versus whale. That shit might work for two minutes.

Anonymous said...

Just try imagining Obama's voice as you are reading this. OMG, funny!

Taylor L. said...

Mike thinks that this is funny because has probably slept with a few of those whales. Don't lie; you have, haven't you, Mr. Carson?

Mashoud said...

Being the obviously lone Indian guy in the room, I guess it is my place to give the conservative rebuttal to the black guy's address. And let me just begin by saying that this is not a bipartisan effort; it's just another deception from closet liberals. Beware, people, beware!

First, liberals would have you believe that we are all whale haters. That's just wrong. We don't hate whales, because we have enough other kinds of people to dislike. This address also provides us with no empirical evidence that tuna populations are, in fact, on the decline. Instead, like good liberals, they just want us to take their word for it...No way!

Secondly, do they want to "end" one crisis by creating another? Even if there are low populations of tuna, is this really the time to wage war? A war with harpoons against whales?

Third, of course, these liberals want us to spend more money that we do not have, and to grow another big government agency. Well, what's wrong with enforcing current fishing rules on the state level as we do now (I think)? What's wrong with allowing our US Coast Guard to do its job?

And finally, if tuna populations are on the decline, why don't we just eat another fish? Catfish is not bad and it is cheap. And since when was tuna made our friend? What have these armless, non-speaking "small bodies" done to help us lately?

People, there could be a crisis and I will give them that. But what is clear from the words of this closet liberal is the crisis is not in the Gulf of Mexico. It is being on a Golf Course in New Orleans. This is just a power grab and an effort to spend more of your tax dollars to help their real friends in the shipping and harpooning industries. Of course, that is not American, because they don't care about you, or about the tuna.

You know, that reminds me. My family came to the United States two generations ago, but I can still remember when I walked in a McDonald's as a kid. There was no tuna on the menu, friends. And you know what? There still is no tuna on the menu now. Why? Because we Americans prefer cod or processed fish, and the liberals are out of touch with that fact,as always.

Don't be fooled by them. Don't support the ADWS bill...And God bless America!

+++I thought this was an odd post at first, Gary, but it was fun. Thanks for the humor.+++

Kayla said...

Mashoud, no, don't contribute to Gary's insanity!

Cedrick said...

Oh just like conservative. Never want to do anything until they see the poll numbers from po-dunk America or crap gets really bad. HAHAHAH.

mike carson said...

I take except to that comment, Taylor, because I know that you made it out of jealousy. It really is sad, I guess, when a few whales can get what you can't even come close to having. ;-)

John said...

Gary, how so you make this stuff up? I mean this, the book, and all your other writing cannot just be imagination. I have imagination and cannot think to put it on paper like this.

Mike, you better lay off my sister, bro, or we'll be brawling. LOL.

Justin A. said...

4 words, gary: too much free time.

Robert S. said...

ditto on what Justin said: way too much time. lol.

but harpoons? Wow! Why don't we just allow whale-hunting, like in the old days?

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