A Special Address to the People (from gh)

Ladies and gentlemen,

It is with great sadness that I am writing today, to inform you of a terrible crisis in the making, a crisis that will woefully affect the life of every man, woman and child that you know. This crisis is perhaps one of the single, most-important events of our modern era; it is, yes, more important than the collapse of our financial system and more alarming than the continuous assault on our family values. That we must both understand and overcome this crisis is a fact so obvious that it does not need to even be said, but because so many are sincerely unaware, I am saying it here today. My friends, we face perilous times from many fronts, but today we face a crisis on a front few would ever think to consider, from the warm waters of our Gulf of Mexico.

As I said, some will ask, quite innocently, what is the nature of this crisis? And for that reason, I will not hesitate to offer an explanation of our hellish challenges and to propose meaningful solutions for all of us, together, to rise above it all.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, killer whales are devouring the stock of tuna in the Gulf of Mexico.

Hundreds of these killer whales have begun to appear the waters of our pristine gulf, and their abundant presence here has stunned observers from the fisheries community. Now, to be sure, these marine animals are usual indigenous to coldwater environments, far removed from our own, but that is a fact that has escaped nearly five hundred of these big bodies. What’s more, those fools in our scientific community seem to be casually dismissive of whole occurrence, saying these big bodies have been in our waters for years, and referring to them as “gulf orcas”, yes, as if they belong. Well, whether their appearance is due to global climate change or to some other phenomenon, the fact is becoming clear, as these big bodies are encroaching upon our world and setting up the depths of this current crisis.

Because they are here, traversing the waters of our Gulf, these killer whales must continue to eat, and they have begun to feast upon our fish stocks, notably on our precious tuna. This is akin to an act of full-scale war. One hundred of big bodies pose a dangerous hazard; five hundred of these killers are an army against our small and defenseless tuna populations. Against these killers few of our poor friends, the tuna, stand a real chance. They will be decimated in no time. For this reason, this is a crisis of unparallel proportions.

Every single one of us—every single man, every single woman, and every single child—must be, at this critical juncture, very concerned. If allowed to go unchecked, the genocidal butchery of the tuna population will have significant consequences for us humans. Simple supply-and-demand here, my friends, envisages that such actions by the whales will harm our own fishing practices, which are, as you know, more humane and regulated. When we will be unable to fish the tuna for our own nutritional needs, when their supplies are made scarce, the rising prices of tuna will imperil your household and my household. Gone will be the days of easy and quick tuna sandwiches. Gone will also be our favorite tuna rolls and sashimi at our favorite sushi bars. And gone, too, will be those seared and delicious tuna steaks resting leisurely atop a wilted bed of spinach. Indeed, with the price of these luxuries climbing to unreasonable levels, one cannot question what is happening here: we are being forced into war by these so-called gulf orcas.

Now none of us have asked for this war against these big bodies, these coldwater killers, and none of us want this war. But we cannot afford to ignore our responsibilities to our friends, the tuna, and ourselves. For what other foods offers us such as healthy an option as tuna, and who are more deserving than we are to partake in this flavorful food?

That is the definition of the greatest crisis of our times, my friends—and now here is my proposal for overcoming it.

In this age of audacious change, we are presented with another great opportunity. Ladies and gentlemen, we can come together now and unite in a bipartisan manner for our own good, as well as for the good of our friends, the tuna. What is needed to combat this crisis, to overcome the complex challenges that we face in the Gulf of Mexico, is a great stimulus effort, a bold stimulus that is, yes, numbered in the hundreds of billions.

Now some will say that this is wrong, that the cost of this stimulus will be too great, or that we face too many other debt-generating needs to even think of something so ambitious, but these people have forgotten how to dream and how to hope. More importantly, they have forgotten how to fight for what is ours.

Now I have a plan for how we will use this stimulus: its billions of dollars will be used to afford us the manpower, the legion of ships, and the harpooning equipment necessary to drive these killers out of the gulf. Of course, environmentalists are expected to cry foul, but they should be at ease. We will take every precaution to harm as few of these big bodies as possible. The goal is to drive away the majority; only the murderous marauders among them, those who choose to defy our efforts, will be confronted and, only if necessary, dealt with.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a difficult decision for us all, inasmuch as we are already confounded by other challenges. That said, I must implore that this is exactly the reason why we must act now. The stimulus provided in this three-part spending bill will allow us to strengthen struggling industries, by enabling businesses to employ hundreds for the building of new ships and harpooning equipment—yes, right here in America!—as well as opening employment opportunities of many more Americans in our new Department of the Water Safety & Fisheries Preservation. Yes, this will also help us to overcome even our economic crisis, because, as history has shown us, war does lift our great land from difficult economic times.

As I close, my friends, I urge you to join me in the bipartisan efforts to end this crisis, by contacting your Congressional representatives to support passage of the American Defensive Waters Stimulus Act of 2009. I also urge you to email and text your friends, and ask them to do the same, because, in order for us to be successful, we all must come together and meet this challenge head-on. These killer whales cannot be allowed to continue their dangerous rampage; they must be stopped, and with your help, my friends, for the sake of the tuna, and for our own sake, they will be.

[This is just a parody, guys. Please do not take it seriously. With everything occurring in our world, I just wanted to give you all a reason to giggle. I hope it was successful. --gh ]